This community is like a cockroach – despite many setbacks, it has survived both the test of time and trouble. Under stress and scrutiny, our community develops greater resilience to bear the weight. However, it has come to my attention that the weight has grown out of control, and I must be the whistleblower to announce CPA’s greatest outbreak – the obesity epidemic.
Designed by Zambi
Background
Imagine this: you return from school and instead of thinking to finish your homework, you are excited to log on to help the Dark Warriors fight against the Light Troops for the 15th time this week. This imagination was once a reality for many in this community, and armies were truly an extracurricular.
Now, where did it all go wrong? The glory of armies came from the hunger for success — to win a Legends Cup, to be the undisputed victor of a judgeless war, to receive the honors of legend and even Person of the Year. Since then, that hunger for success has been replaced by literal hunger; the satisfaction of war does not hold a candle to the satisfaction of a McDonald’s Big Mac, large fries, and large Sprite combo.
Causes
Where did the epidemic begin? Obesity plagues our world due to an abundance of processed food, accessed for as little as a dollar. So, how does it make sense for this to affect people in armies, notorious for wallets as empty as AUSIA hour chats?
Let’s think back to hunter-gatherer society and relate it to armies post-Flash. Hunter-gatherer society lacked the ability to settle, instead moving where livestock and foraging were plentiful. Similar to armies, it was difficult to settle post-Flash when the future lacked certainty. It wasn’t until Superhero123 created a solution: CPA Battleground. Ironically, a server meant to serve as a battleground was the most peace we had in years.
With my trusty sidekick Dino, we compiled various reasons of obesity here in CPA, such as 10-minute events, lack of wars, older demographics, jobless behavior, etc.
Therefore, I believe Superhero123 is not the primary cause, but among the primary causes for this phenomenon. The uncertainty of finding a private server was soon replaced by the uncertainty of what to eat, a question our community has no trouble in answering.
Case studies
It’s difficult to pinpoint symptoms due to how normalized obesity is. Fortunately, I learned under one of the CPA’s greatest minds — Dr. Crazzyhead — and I feel confident enough to identify and share my knowledge through case studies — highlighting behaviors exhibited by extreme cases of obesity.
Enter: the Club Penguin Armies community chat — a digital space where obesity thrives. For the individuals regularly here, they are under the assumption that every message sent is a few calories burnt, which is a study for another day. Honorable mentions include Kira, Ugly, and the mods/admins.
Case #1: Mare
Mare is currently the Chief Executive Producer at CPA, a position as big as herself. I fear the side effects of obesity have affected her greatly, as she can no longer say her full title without needing to breathe.
By no means is it easy to manage a media-league as expansive as CPA, yet she has done it for quite a long time. There’s a lack of competition against CPA, and while people may attribute it to the stability of this organization, I think it’s not far-fetched to say Mare likely ate them.
Mare in the wild spotted boasting about her gluttony
Case #2: Aisha
Aisha is the Head Moderator in this server. She is someone who makes the right decisions to maintain the server’s peace, but struggles with the decision of choosing from the KFC menu. She is currently leading the Doritos, but I fear her loyalty to this army is not for its community, but rather its name.
Never ask a woman her age, a man her salary, and Aisha why she makes plenty of typos. Obesity affects her dexterity, as her dominant hand is occupied digging into a bag of fries, leaving her other hand to scour along the keyboard (also grease-covered).
Aisha makes a lot of typos and speaks in very broken messages because she often spills food, like her fries, as shown
Case #3: Calgo
And finally, the third case study to highlight is Calgo, a unique case. An Army legend, Calgo is recognized for reviving the Army of Club Penguin to its former glory. It’s accurate to say he was the sun that gave ACP its light. But, it is also accurate to say he is as large as the sun. I hypothesize he may have sunk retirement island and instead spends his days present in the chat.
Calgo is no stranger to challenge. After all, he led ACP to conquer the map and win the Legends Cup. Today, his challenges are no longer in the realm of armies. Rather, he challenges himself by ordering an additional McChicken with every drive-thru visit.
Instead of starting his morning with a bowl of ice and Saratoga, Calgo heads straight to the drive-thru. Here, he starts his day with one more McChicken than the last
Takeaways
Now, what can we take away from this? Obesity in CPA is truly frightening because it isn’t something you will see that easily. Even a trained professional like myself had to undergo trial and error for years, but my ability has improved significantly.
What can we do? There really is not a lot, as obesity has this community’s upper echelon in a chokehold. Realistically, their arteries are in a chokehold, given how clogged they are. The point is we can only save ourselves, not others.
Given how resilient this community is, we may survive yet another trouble and continue to prosper. But, do not confuse prosperity with success; they are not the same. Similarly, healthy options on a fast food menu and a salad are not the same. Do you think the obesity epidemic is as concerning as the article makes it out to be? Does typing in the CPA community chat actually burn calories?
Zambi
Reporter in Training