Traits of a Successful CPA Leader [SATIRE]

KLONDIKE, CP Army Headquarters – As a community, we spend so much time celebrating leaders’ successes. Each year, we go through the arduous task of nominating them for the monumental title of CP Army Legend. But what traits make up a successful CPA leader?

Traits of a Successful CPA Leader

DISCLAIMER: The entirety of this post is intended to be sarcastic and does not describe any particular leader.

I. They’re quotable

Gone are the days when leaders could quietly work in the background. It isn’t charts, graphs, or a logistical mind that makes it to the legends nomination; it’s someone’s ability to have their words live on in infamy. Through great effort, the best leaders know what makes their armies tick. This might be through simply goofing off with the staff, or leading a 45-minute rant, encouraging success because “no one wants to be a [redacted] loser.” Genuinely successful CPA leaders forever live rent-free in the minds of their troops.

II. Delay wars 

Very few armies can manage to engage in sustained wars nowadays. We have seen months-long wars lately, but the most stable armies are led by people who know how to keep battles at bay. Although the reasons vary, like something called alliances or the reluctance to spend 6 hours of your life on Club Penguin each week, our heroes still take care of business. Why bother declaring war when we can witness 60 penguins send passive-aggressive tactics to their adversaries amid a tournament battle?

III. Have a personal life

Without a doubt, every great leader has an active personal life. Naturally, everyone is elderly, and either works full time or goes to school. Despite this, our incredibly educated and well-paid leaders always take time out of their busy lives to inexplicably attend events at any hour of the day. Where would we be without the prompt response times of our leaders whenever we have a question of which server, how to earn stamps, or even how to prepare beans and toast? Knowing a leader’s local time is 3 am shouldn’t deter a DM from any troop as they will always be around to answer.

IV. Have winning personalities

Perhaps one of the essential traits of a successful CPA leader is their unquestionably winning personality. No one has ever accused the most outstanding leaders of misconduct. Their images are always pristine and can do no wrong. That’s why they are capable of leading us to greatness. They would never be subject to doxxing threats, nor would anyone have anything unkind to say about them. They are ultimately above reproach. A survey was conducted during the summer to determine the personalities of those in power at the time. At least half expressed feelings; however, the jury is still out on those who didn’t even bother to take the quiz.

As a community, we would be unable to thrive without leaders to pave our way. They stand up for our community and even argue with CP Rewritten mods on our behalf. With so many troops wanting to take the plunge into leadership, they would do well to follow the path already forged. Will you be the next legendary leader?

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