Have you ever lost sleep over whether your army will win the next tournament? Or maybe you are the type who gets withdrawal syndrome symptoms if you have not invaded 43 servers in a while? Fear not, because here are five unmistakable signs that you may be addicted to Club Penguin Armies. Just maybe.

Designed by Edu14463

Editor’s Note: The contents of this post are not meant to be taken seriously. Specific individuals and armies are mentioned in this text, although it is not meant to offend them. This is a satirical post that does not represent Club Penguin Armies’ views or its staff’s.

5. You Miss Appointments and Outings with Friends For the Sake of Your Army

“What’s up, buddy? All good? How about going out with the guys for pizza?”. “Erm… I’m sorry, I can’t, I have an important event today…”. Little do your friends know that such an important ‘event’ will take place in the prestigious virtual underworld of Club Penguin Armies. What naive fools… They do not know that you need to dress your virtual penguin in a car costume at an event and send emoticons until your keyboard breaks. All this is for your army to reach the top position in the glorious weekly placements. Family reunion? Nah, let’s recruit. March Madness… IT’S COMING. A .png trophy designed by Musée du Louvre‘s talented artist Master DS is more important than my relatives.

4. You Have Acquired War Traumas

Who never sacrificed sleep time for the glory of their armies? This is bound to happen more frequently during war times. How would you feel about battling 32 times in a week? Haha, who would EVER do that? Who would EVER spend approximately 16 hours in a week in front of a computer sending song lyrics as tactics and “@@@@@@SWAT RULERS@@@@@@@” BWBs? And I’ll say more, imagine setting your alarm to wake up at an inconvenient time because the enemy army wanted to outwit you. It is time that you move on before you do any more damage to your life.

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3. You Have Adopted Club Penguin Armies’ Vocabulary in Your Everyday Life

You’re speaking a whole new language. Your vocabulary has expanded. “The Commander-in-Chief will issue a force treaty on me if I don’t complete the assignment on time…” one may think while facing their teacher’s warnings. Moreover, hearing the expression “demotion” sends a wave of chills down your spine. Don’t worry, it’s just your boss firing you from work. Your rank in your army is still safe. And let’s not forget that you like to talk about formations and tactics whenever you can. “SEE? WE DID AN UPSIDE-DOWN V! IT’S SO SYMMETRICAL, WE NAILED TACTICS, WE…”. And when you least expect it, your parents will stage an intervention, concerned that your obsession with armies is hindering your ability to function in the real world.

2. Your Friends Start Noticing Something Wrong With You

“Hey, do you know what is going on with ILoveMyArmy123? They’re more attached to their mobile now…”. Well, who would have thought you would be keeping up with the latest army news and gossip? Or even better: logging on to CPA Battleground for the 26th time in a row because your mobile browser crashed once more. “Hey, ILoveMyArmy123! Why are you upset? Did something happen?”. But of course something happened. You’re just too ashamed of yourself to say you’re upset because your army lost March Madness IX.

Make sure not to get caught by your friends. Seriously. Don’t do that. It was embarrassing.

1. You Start Acting More and More Like You-Know-Who

Your life now revolves around banishing the Army of Club Penguin from existence. After all, you are the god of all armies, the tyrant of Tuxedo, the harvester of hate. You reigned supreme over all armies for 15 years. Overall, you start taking armies so seriously that you cannot distinguish between what is reality and what is a figment of your imagination. You won’t rest until you obliterate your arch-nemesis. Your life depends on that. Literally.

I hope you, dear reader, take care not to become a victim of these symptoms. If you identify with 3 or more signs, I strongly recommend that you withdraw from armies and isolate yourself immediately. If you display all 5 signs just like someone marking an entire column of a bingo card, please turn off your WiFi router indefinitely and never return. Never.

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