[Satire] Dumb Ways to Declare War

We have seen plenty of posts describing the benefits of warring. However, this post aims to answer a question no one asked: what are the worst ways to declare war? For those of you who won the Brightest Bulb award, keep reading, this is a legitimate war guide.

Designed by Master DS

Note: The contents of this post are not meant to be taken seriously. This is a satire post that does not represent Club Penguin Armies’ views.

Spam Ping Visitors

The first rule of CPA is that visitors have no rights. In spite of this sacred rule being the cornerstone of our glorious community, every army but Help Force blatantly disregards this rule. Not only that, but they pretend that it’s something Help Force invented to bully visitors and refuse to acknowledge its importance. Help Force spam pings visitors to express its frustration at this, and for some reason visitors find it annoying. We may never know why. One day an allied army leader is bound to snap and finally declare war on either HF or MEE6.

War Term #0: No Judges Allowed

This is an obvious one for any leaders out there with struggling armies. Can’t get your max high enough? Are your troops lazy and not sending tactics? Add a term that disqualifies your opponent if they involve judges into your war. This is between you and them and has nothing to do with CPA judges, who are blinder than actual blind people.

Multi-logging Allowed

Beat those multi-logging allegations by not only allowing it, but requiring it of both yourself and your opponent. You are an experienced multilogger and you know how to make it look like you and your twenty alts are alive and fighting, but those guys? They are honest leaders. They don’t know how to do it without being caught. It is your time to shine.

Less than 10 Online

Are you a S/M army that constantly gets kicked around by the big kids? Have I got a solution for you! Add a war term in your declaration that automatically disqualifies any battle with more than 10 penguins online for any army. Not only will this make it impossible for anyone to take any land, it’ll also be a huge waste of time for everyone involved!

Infinite War

Picture this: You gather a group of 10 highly skilled, highly devoted team members and make it your sole duty to piss off everyone in CPA. You declare war on every army and schedule an invasion every thirty minutes. You show up to each invasion with exactly 10 people, forcing every army to defend every single one. They get tired pretty quickly and surrender their servers to you, and you can kick back in victory until CPA bans you for providing them with an actual war and not a fake one with no winner.

Sleep With The Enemy’s Mother

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Got an enemy? Do they have a mother? (or a father, if you bend that way?) Play a few games of CSGO with the other army leader and tell him that you’re going to have a lovely time with his mother later. He’ll be unsuspecting of you, and BAM, you’re his new step daddy. Foolproof plan. He’ll be so taken aback that he won’t notice his mother giving you his laptop, allowing you unlimited access to his army’s Discord server.

Steal The Commander’s Girlfriend

This one is a bit unorthodox but I’m not here to judge. Got an enemy? Do they have a girlfriend? Is she definitely flirting with you whenever you talk to her and not just being nice? She’s yours now. Get her to match pfps and status with you, maybe something with a heart involved. Get her now ex-boyfriend army leader to notice and he’ll declare on you faster than Disney took down CPO.

Constantly Talk About How Much You Want To War

What better way to tell your enemy that you want to war them than reminding them of it, constantly, in every server you’re in. Threaten to coup their commanders, take their servers, and teach their children how to ride a bicycle. They’ll get so used to your empty threats that they’ll become background noise, and by now they’ve probably given you an advisor role or something with perms as an “in” on the joke. Now you deface their server and they realize words have consequences.

Pretend To Be Allies

“Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” Get friendly with your enemy and pretend that you’re an innocent ally. Attend for them, have practice battles with them, help them out when other armies declare on them. Give them support during leadership changes and secretly root for each other during tournaments. Don’t rush this one; bide your time and make them completely lower their guard. Spend a few years as their brother-in-arms and develop a bond so strong that the death of a CPPS could never break it. If you don’t declare war soon I’m going to start thinking you’re actually allies and not enemies.


If this post didn’t inspire you then you may be beyond hope.

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Filed under: Satire | Tagged: , , , , , , ,

Mchappy is interning at Club Penguin Armies as the Chief Executive Producer. Max held him at gunpoint to finish his biography.

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