Classifying Army Leaders II

Army leaders. Where would we be without them? Who would we make fun of? This is part two of a post that classifies leaders into different “types.” Part one can be found here.

Before we start classifying the leaders, note that the contents of this post are not meant to be taken seriously. If found, you might find yourself featured in the next part of this post. The classification does not represent any particular individual. Resemblance to real life individuals is purely a co-incidence. Litigious people can target Scorp, he authorized this.

The Curry Muncher

I hope you’re hungry… for nothing

The Curry Muncher is a hardcore Indian curry fan. They eat curry morning, noon, and night, and also force their staff members to eat it for every meal. You may have met that kind of a leader in the CPA general chat, where they often spam “INDIA NUMBER ONE.” This leader erroneously believes that the curry is what’s helping them achieve high maxes and good battle performances, but in reality it’s their staff preparing for the inevitable coup. Death to curry.

The Couper

“Ready for duty, and then some”

Not necessarily the one who coups the curry muncher, The Couper is the leader who got their position by removing their predecessor. Sometimes more than once. Serial coupers move from army to army, removing incompetent leaders and are drowned in the delusion that they would do so much better. They don’t. But they provide drama for their army, and isn’t that what Club Penguin Armies is really all about?

The Insomniac

Just like their title suggests, The Insomniac never sleeps. They also never eat, log off, touch grass, or have even a semblance of a normal life. They live and breathe Club Penguin. Reports suggest that these people have no concept of what a “female” is and, when prompted, give the name of the school they were expelled from.

The Delusional

What, you mean I can’t put “CPA Leader” on a job application?

The Delusional actually thinks that CPA is real. They truly believe they’re fighting the “good fight,” they think tournament wins mean something, and they pour all their energy into making their army the best one possible. Meanwhile their staff stands on the sidelines, watching as their leader works themselves straight into early retirement.

The Mystery Leader

The Mystery Leader is the one you’re not even sure exists. They never share pictures, social medias, or voice reveal. There’s no proof this person isn’t a bot and there likely never will be. Even so, they ranked all the way up to commander. Even if they’re an alt, they’re entertaining to make theories about.

The Clueless

The Clueless is the leader who forgets that they’re a leader. They go inactive for weeks at a time and come back to “supervise,” but in reality they’re just making sure the army they abandoned is doing okay. Similar to the dad who went out for milk and never returned. The Clueless also thinks that they’re a great leader, definitely, haven’t you seen the tournament battles they’ve won? Even though their staff did all of the work? Often succeeded by the couper.

Mr. Nice Guy


This leader is a self-proclaimed “nice guy” who also thinks they have a way with the ladies. They’re effortlessly nice to everyone and are infinitely patient. They don’t get any actual work done, but hey, who needs to recruit when you can be nice? They also wear a fedora unironically in public.

The Arguer


The Arguer lurks all day in CPA main, waiting for someone to say anything so they can jump in and start a full-blown argument. Their opinion is the correct one, always, and everyone needs to know it. They make a lot of noise, probably to compensate for something.

The Pushover

“Let’s try it your way instead”

The Pushover is a shy, timid leader who lets people walk all over them. Have any original ideas? Nope! They’re go-with-the-flow and would rather make a stupid decision for their army than speak up. They make their HCOM talk with other armies out of fear of being rude and spend all day in their bedroom for different reasons than Mr. Nice Guy.

The Cynic

They’re often the voice of reason. The Cynic points out how unhealthy it is to spend all day online and encourages others to log off and touch grass. They’ve also been leading for three years and have no intention of retiring. Gets very angry when you point out their hypocrisy, then goes right back to campaigning for everyone to log off.

The Free Speech Supporter


This leader doesn’t believe in censorship and lets anyone say anything in their server. They’re a champion of “free speech” but say cisgender is a slur. Biggest snowflake in the whole community. They won’t blink if you say a couple slurs in front of them but jump to defend actual racists when you stand up to them. Their army turns into such a depraved dumpster fire that they’re ostracized by the community – and obviously that’s because no one wants free speech.

The Anti Free Speech Supporter

This one and the one above are two sides of the same coin. This leader gets incredibly offended if you suggest that they’re not the best, and opposition fills the ban list. They proudly declare that their army doesn’t provide free speech and manage to piss of the entire community.

Bane of Judges

What do you mean you won’t answer my DMs at 4am!?

Usually a S/M leader, unless their army has sunk to new lows. The Bane of Judges demands a review of every battle they lose, even though their army maxes 10 and the other one maxed 30. They didn’t lose, obviously. They’re a naturally talented leader and a gift to CPA. Don’t question them again. And someone ban this idiot from talking to judges, please.


This leader, whose name will go redacted to preserve his anonymity, needs to keep his mouth shut. He says something controversial everyday and makes it his personal goal to say something even worse the next day. So far he’s achieved his goal each time and he has no intention of ever stopping. No one is safe.

And there you have it! Stay tuned for a possible part three.

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Filed under: Satire | Tagged: , , , , , ,

Mchappy is interning at Club Penguin Armies as the Chief Executive Producer. Max held him at gunpoint to finish his biography.

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